Monday, September 29, 2014

An excerpt from the Tyranid Cookbook!


lol, we were sorting thru some old recipes whilst rearranging the kitchen today (i.e.: moving the fridge from wall to another) and I found this in amongst recipe collection (yes, really!). The printed off email containing the recipe was sent to me by Neverness, and it is dated April 29th, 2002! It was too funny not to retype here:

'Baked Warlock Sticks'

Main Ingredient: Eldar Warlock (1)

'Baked Warlock Sticks' are a sought-after delicacy served in most Hive Fleets during the long voyage between star systems, although their expensive ingredients ensure that only Hive Tyrants and the like actually get to sample them on a regular basis.

Most Eldar are very stringy and require considerable preparation, so its often best to soften them up somehow. Take the Warlock and drop him in a high-speed mincer. While he's softening up, there's plenty of time to work on the rest of the dish. Ignore the mincing Warlock for now and come back to him later.

As with all Eldar, Warlocks are best served with cheese. In fact, Eldar are amongst the cheesiest snacks in either galaxy. If you've captured a Warlock alive, odds are you've had to advance through so much cheese you're probably thinking you've invaded a dairy world, so getting hold of some shouldn't be a problem.

Take the minced Warlock and roll him in the cheese, making sure you've picked out any fluff that may have crept into the mix. Cheesy Eldar and fluff don't go well together, even if its just background fluff. Mixing fluff with Eldar tends to lower the cheese content, so most Eldar avoid it.

Take the cheesy, minced Warlock and place him in an oven, setting temperature to 'MEDIUM'. Many cooks make the basic mistake of over-setting the oven. The result is that they are over-done, generally ending up as more 'burnt out' than the desired 'half-baked'.

Note to new chefs: you'll find that most Eldar can't take the heat, so be prepared for some unusual reactions. Some cry, some melt, many just fold up completely and just disappear. If he's really cheesy however, you'll find he's likely to start whining.

This really isn't a problem, as Eldar go well with most long as the whine isn't too overpowering, just sit back and enjoy it, savoring the taste and bouquet.

The half-baked, cheesy, minced Warlock, served with a good whine, is now ready to be carved into thin strips and served to the Hive Mind.


created by:
Michael E. Major


neverness said...

Ah, Mike Major from the old 40k Mailing List! That was some classic stuff! It was fun to reread that after so many years, and fun still to see these rules still apply!

Da Masta Cheef said...

Indeed, the best of recipes will stand the test of time!

Rifkind Wolfwalker said...

Yeah I've read this twice in as many days and still giggle!
Of course all I can think of is... It ain't easy being cheesy" ;-P

Da Masta Cheef said...